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Digital Cupid: How to Put Technology to Work For Your Love Life

Are you sitting alone at your PC or Mac reading this blog? That’s okay. I forgive you. In an age of overtime, job transfers, and clawing your way up the corporate ladder, no one seems to have enough free time any more for leisure activities like going out, having a drink, or, most importantly meeting new people to do these things with. But believe it or not, with the aid of modern (and not so modern) technology, we can squeeze even this into our hectic lives.

Let’s start with the obvious: computers. Not only can you check your email alerts from the comfort of your own cubicle, but there are online dating sites for everything from your own personal geekdom ( to body type ( to any of the major religions on earth (,, and just to name a few). Literally any kind of matchmaking site can be found with the right search engine. Even typing “flying spaghetti monster dating” into Google lands you a few interesting results.

Evenamong online matchmaking sites there is great variety. At a site like Plenty of Fish, users are encouraged to not only fill out profiles but actively post in the site’s forums, which range in topic from relationship and dating issues to science and philosophy. (There are even a few active anime threads for the geek in you.) OKCupid offers its users a variety of fun tests and quizzes, and awards badges, such as “more
independent,” “less old-fashioned,” and “more political,” that are displayed on a user’s profile, and can be used as conversation starters as well as a rudimentary screening process of a user’s personality. Both if these sites are free to use, as are countless others, so do not be dissuaded from joining the online dating phenomenon due to lack of funds, although there are also dating blogs which can help you in the world of dating and you can find at sites like

Sellingyourself through online personals sites is not the only way to meet people through the internet, however. Couples are meeting and hooking up every day by posting on forums, joining newsgroups, exploring 3D virtual worlds (such as Second Life and Entropia Universe), and yes, even playing online games like World of Warcraft can help find you a mate. At least one young gamer proposed to his lovely lady at BlizzCon 2008, much to the delight and cheers of fellow congoers. (The happy couple originally met as rivals posting on

Basically, by being active online as you would be in real life had you the time (or in some cases adequate self-confidence), you can meet a wide range of people, many of whom you would not even have the opportunity to meet offline, so you can share romantic activities with these people including sex using accessories as a good anal vibrator for this purpose. The internet doesn’t just offer new ways to meet people, but ways to meet new kinds of people.

But the internet isn’t your only avenue to a new and interesting social life. Due in large part to the high success rate of people meeting online, the more traditional print form of the personal ad is enjoying a resurgence in popularity, and should not be overlooked by the less computer savvy. Responding to an ad over the phone, though perhaps more daunting than email, forces a connection much sooner than digital communication, and gauging another person’s reactions and emotions is much easier through hearing his or her voice than reading words on a screen. It also forces you to maintain a conversation, while email sits in your inbox awaiting your attention.

Printed personal ads offer just as much versatility as their online counterparts. Most newspapers across the country offer a personals section, which allows you to look locally, but there are also specialty magazines for various interests and religions that also run personal ads.

Personal ads also, much like Twitter over LiveJournal, force you to be short, sweet, and if you can manage it, clever in hopes of catching that special stranger’s eye. Anyone glancing through a personal ads sheet can attest to the creativity used by many of its users, but this should by no means be a deterrent to the feint of heart. Personal ads are just another tool in your arsenal.

In this on-the-go world, another old technology has come back to haunt us: the phone. More to the point, the rather passé telephone has been replaced by the more modern cell phone and text messaging. Yes, this includes the dating scene. For over fifteen years the Canadian company Teligence has offered social networking over the phone through services like Livelinks, Interactive Male, Fonochat, and a number of others.

Now, sites like are getting into the phone business, too, with services like Mobile. Many sites are now combining online and offline options. Prime examples are Crush or Flush and Zogo, both of which users can access using their cell phones or PCs.

Crush or Flush allows you to look at pictures and miniature profiles of singles in your area. If you like what you see, you “crush” them and hopefully make contact. If not, you “flush” them and move on. (People will not be notified if they are ever flushed, so you may surf guilt-free.)

Zogo is perhaps the only totally free dating service for your cell phone (though this doesn’t mean your cell phone service provider won’t add on their own fees, depending on your terms of service). After searching through available profiles, you may add people to your favorites list, or invite them to talk to you. If you both agree to talk (via semi-anonymous text messaging provided by Zogo), you each receive a call from a third number to secure the anonymity of your phone number.

Crush or Flush, Zogo, and their fellow SMS dating services are perhaps even handier than online-only sites, such as those listed in the above paragraphs, given that cell phones are more portable and get wider reception than even a laptop. Double bonus if your cell gets internet!

Much like e-trading has done for the casual investor, modern technology adds far more than serendipity and well-intentioned coupled-up friends to our dating arsenal. Much as we might sometimes wish it otherwise, there really are no longer excuses for not meeting people other than our own apathy.


Coder Dudes, For Your Sanity Date Starbucks Barristas!

Since I’ve moved back from Italy, career has gone from unemployed, stacking candles at Planet Weavers in the Castro never believing there would be another tech boom, re-starting a Web 1.0 company, hacking password protected files from the hard drives of former Enron Employees for an Enron trial, and now having once again a successful tech career.

Since moving back from Italy 6 years ago I haven’t had a girlfriend. This sort of thing makes me shrug. This blog post is my meditation on being single. I asked around. I’m not the only guy in Silicon Valley who has been single for this long, and it’s not that I haven’t been dating or not putting myself out there.

As a coder, I make more than the median salary in San Francisco. There are men who are poorer than me and less intelligent than me that have girlfriends. There are some coders who make twice that which along with exercised stock options make them millionaires. Attraction (at least the kind worth having) should have nothing to do with money.

The kind of woman that has so graciously, kindly and flirtingly said yes to a date with me works in tech, knows a lot of the people that I work with, and is absolutely cute. I think what initially draws such a woman to me is how I handle myself in a lot of situations: calm, cool, collected. She also likes the fact that I have a reputation for discretion.

Yet, I have had a lot of frustrations in dating women in the tech industry. Something is not working out. I would really like to date someone with a lot of similar work interests because I am passionate about my work. But for one reason or another it just doesn’t work out. This has forced me outside of the box. My ideal date now is with a Starbucks Barrista with a degree in either philosophy or literature – definitely something humanities oriented.

Starbucks Barrista
WTF? Why?

  1. Unlike other women higher in the social strata your ambitions are not enough for a woman in the industry. Most women in tech see you as a lottery ticket and expect you to daytrade your way up to 7 figures and beyond. Your Starbucks barrista would be more than happy with your 5 figures and ecstatic about 6.
  2. Your Starbucks barrista with her liberal education gives her – duh? – liberal sensibilities. A lot of women in tech that are recruiters, marketers and designers read Cosmo and its ilk. These are magazines dedicated to the manipulation of straight men by women. This is not to say men aren’t guilty of this, too. They are, and the book, “The Game,” is the choicest example of this. My point is that I haven’t run into folks with degrees in liberal arts that are great manipulators like say the Enron folks or GW & company.
  3. You probably won’t have a chance with a cutie coder. Cutie coders get hit on all the time and are totally smarter than you and smarter than you think. Unless you’ve got the skills of Cal Henderson, forget it. Cutie coders are the buyer; you’re just the seller.
  4. Still not giving up? If you go to any tech party, the guys who really have a shot are the CEOs. It’s as if women divide men into 1st class and 2nd class citizens. Guess which class citizen a CEO is.
  5. The hard earned money of your Starbucks barrista is “worth more” because when she buys you a present it means more to her, it’s a bigger deal.
  6. A Starbucks barrista is trying to figure out her way out of her job. She has her own ambitions, and these are probably more modest than your cutie techie’s ambitions. You might even be able to bankroll one of her projects.
  7. Most Web 2.0 kids met on-line. You can tell your grandkids, how you manned-up and asked her out using this technology called face-to-face IRL. You certainly won’t be penciling yourself in her pbwiki page.
  8. She’ll be grateful that you fixed her computer.
  9. The techie cutie has some idea of your lived experience, including the occasional drudgerie of it. For the Starbucks barrista everything you do is awesome and new.
  10. She’ll round you out. Her liberal education gives her a mind that sees there’s more to life than just money, materialism and its shallow pleasures, that there’s a higher world of ideas and delights.
  11. If things do end, she will leave you better than she found you.
  12. After the break up, you won’t have to read about who she’s hooking up with now in Vallywag.